2018 auction recap

Bud Light Berto

Bud Light Berto · Studs and duds

C

Bud Light Berto is a 12-pack with Todd Gurley II for $74 taped to the side and a lineup that still has to survive last call. Bud Light Berto left $11 on the table, which is not discipline so much as a night they got tired of raising. Bud Light Berto put $140 on Todd Gurley II and Unknown, then asked the dollar bin to block. Bud Light Berto's ceiling is a rumor they can pronounce, and the floor already has their name on the lease.

1990s Buffalo Bills paid for Ezekiel Elliott for $68 like the standings were already printed, and they are not, they are waiting with a highlighter. 1990s Buffalo Bills left the auction without a quarterback, which is a choice, and also a cry for help with better lighting. 1990s Buffalo Bills dropped 34 percent of the night on Ezekiel Elliott, which is a monument with a prayer taped to the base. 1990s Buffalo Bills will have the group chat defending this until week four, then it becomes a documentary.

Team Randy skipped the slogan and went straight to Antonio Brown for $63, subtlety not being in the auction, and neither were they. Team Randy collected 6 dollar players, which is not depth so much as a clearance rack with hope in the pockets. Team Randy made Antonio Brown the offense and treated running backs like a weather report. Team Randy will be due forever, which is cheaper than a second running back.

SKOL and Bones

SMOKIE-OKIE · Balanced

C+

SKOL and Bones showed up with a paddle and a thesis, the thesis being Alvin Kamara for $62 and the footnotes being the bench. SKOL and Bones got Philip Rivers at $1, which is either smash or a public bet that streaming is a personality. SKOL and Bones paid $1 for Philip Rivers and will talk about value until the bye week files a complaint. SKOL and Bones remains undefeated in hypotheticals and fully clothed in receipts.

Team Stodolka spent like somebody was watching, and somebody was: the group chat, with Saquon Barkley for $60 on tape. Team Stodolka paid starter-WR money for Deshaun Watson, so the passing game is solved and the rest of the roster is in committee. Team Stodolka has no tight end, so the position is a rumor they will try to start anyway. The injury report is not a strategy, and Team Stodolka highlighted it anyway.

Willy and the Big Johnson treated the auction like a talent show and David Johnson for $59 like the only act that rehearsed. Willy and the Big Johnson maxed the $200, which is still broke when the bye weeks hit. Willy and the Big Johnson hit $0 leftover, which is a flex until somebody gets hurt. Willy and the Big Johnson spent like a champion and built like a committee that lost the agenda.

Whats Hunt Mahomie? bought DeAndre Hopkins for $58 the way people buy a gym membership in January: loudly, and with a speech nobody requested. Whats Hunt Mahomie? rostered Patrick Mahomes plus Jared Goff because they do not trust the first one, the schedule, or themselves. Whats Hunt Mahomie? spent every last dollar and still looks underinsured. Whats Hunt Mahomie? has a star, and stars still miss byes, and so will the speech.

Team fantasm appeared long enough to buy Julio Jones for $54, then left a cold spot where a bench used to be. Team fantasm is one injury report on Matt Ryan ($2) away from a TED Talk titled "we liked the upside." Team fantasm will turn week one into a press conference and week six into group-chat silence.

Team Larson

AJL478 · Hero RB

C+

Team Larson used Leonard Fournette for $52 as a personality and the rest of the roster as set dressing. Team Larson spent quarterback money twice (Kirk Cousins, Drew Brees) like the position was going out of stock. Team Larson left $7 unspent, which is not enough to fix the roster and plenty enough to regret in silence. Team Larson looks like a process if you mute the dollar amounts.

The Cook Burned The Season

HadleyBall75 · Balanced

C+

The Cook Burned The Season built a brand around Dalvin Cook for $51 and a shrug around everybody else. The Cook Burned The Season paid $36 for Rob Gronkowski, which is tight end money that used to buy a running back and a personality. The Cook Burned The Season wanted a dynasty look and got a group-chat argument with a logo.

Team Even the Losers

rkstocke5609@comcast.net · Balanced

C+

Team Even the Losers put the Tom Petty paperwork on Michael Thomas for $42 and waited for the chorus to do the blocking. Team Even the Losers will confuse a good night in the room with a good season until October.

Bye Week

aaron.r.schulte@gmail.com · Balanced shop

B-

Bye Week bought Lamar Miller for $26 on a night they branded as time off, the bye being the personality and the receipt being the alibi. Bye Week's running back room is Lamar Miller and Carlos Hyde, which is one turf toe from a philosophical crisis. Bye Week collected 2 wideouts and called it a room, so Brandin Cooks will now be asked to be three people. The standings have not opened yet, and Bye Week already has a caption ready.